Q: Are horses killed for glue?

A: That's a myth. It's been years since horses have been used to make glue. Paste, maybe. A cheap brown paste used to wallpaper shanties. Or gruel. But not glue.

But your horse wasn't killed because of what we wanted him to be. He was killed because of what he was. A loser.

There's no rule that says a horse can't play football. And there's no rule that says if he's going to play, he better damn well be good. Things like that are understood.

Q: Does the brain secrete during sleep?

A: Now I'm no Doctor - I wear this lab coat mostly for comfort, partly to help keep track of what I've been eating for the past week; everything stands out against the white - but judging by the sheets on your side of the bed, your brain secretes something. That something appears to be a combination of sweat, bacon grease, AstroGlide, tears, hair tonic, ant-wrinkle cream, and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream from Ben & Jerry's. If you look at the magic marker outline I drew to indicate your side of the bed, you can see that the residue has collected where you head rests while you sleep, meaning it can have come only from your brain. No other explanation makes sense.


Incidentally, your brain secretions are not as delicious as they sound. Although I am not a man of science, acts of science are expected of me due to my dress and demeanor. I do not like to disappoint. 


Now that we have concluded that your brain does secrete, you might want to see an actual Doctor. Could be cause for alarm. You also might want to see a sleep specialist. You are a very sound sleeper. So sound that someone could sit on your chest while dipping handfuls of bacon into a pint of ice cream with one hand while masturbating with the other, crying the whole time. In theory.

Q: How can you volunteer to work at the white house?

A: Just show up at the front door and offer to help. It worked for me.

Yes, I was arrested, but it certainly wasn't because of my helpful attitude and can-do spirit. My lawyer thinks it has something to do with the animal pelts I wore. Some hadn't been cleaned properly and, well, they stunk a little. Apparently people were turned off by the faces mounted on my shoulders and back, specifically the faces of their recently buried loved ones. How foolish of me, thinking that the sight of a friendly face might help ease the stress of a long work day. You'd think I would have been treated as a hero, handed a Medal of Freedom and given an immediate audience with the President. At the very least, you'd expect some applause. Maybe a hug. Instead, they yelled. And cursed. And threw things. With remarkable accuracy. At no point was any consideration given to the amount of work I spent building my suit of pelts: researching family trees, scouring obituaries, digging up graves, carefully removing the faces without slicing off any distinguishing features. It's like none of it mattered.

Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. Wear a suit. Maybe call ahead. Show up during business hours, instead of 3AM. Save the faces until you've met everyone and know a little about their relationships with the deceased.

I've made a lot of  bad decisions in my life, but there's only one thing I wish I could do over again: My visit to the White House. Well, two things. I regret all that time I spent caring about The X-Files. That shit didn't lead anywhere.

Q: How do presidents get citizens to vote for them?

A: By promising to do things that they will never do, have no intention of doing, are incapable of doing, or are impossible. In everyday life, such statements would be called "Lies"or "Outright Fraud"  but in the charming world of Presidential elections, they are called "Campaign Promises" or "Politics as Usual."

A Presidential candidate is not judged on his experience, which is often lacking, or his record, often spotty, or even his prior public statements, often contradictory. Instead he is judged on his ability to make you believe that he believes the words currently coming out of his mouth, even though you know these words are not true and will be forgotten as soon as he is elected. In a normal person we would consider such a trait "Pathological Narcissism" but in a Presidential candidate we call it "Electability."

If a candidate cannot win over the public with his fake sincerity, he will often resort to something known as "Negative Campaigning" or "Attack Ads" which you would recognize as "Character Assassination" or "Slander." Suggesting that a fellow human being, someone who has dedicated his life to public service, would trigger a nuclear war or put senior citizens to death or institute white slavery might seem beyond the bounds of human decency, and reveal its suggester as an unreliable, unscrupulous schemer, but this is what wins elections, tearing the other guy down.

If the traditional techniques of treachery, deceit and betrayal fail to capture the imagination of the voting public, a candidate has only one weapon left: stealing the election. But that requires a lot of political capital, the kind only a political  dynasty with a considerable fortune built on bootlegging or shady oil deals could posses. And dynasties like that only come around every 40 years or so.

Q: What do the cabinet do for the president?

A: The cabinet advises the President on the issues facing America. As essentially his top Lieutenants, they do his bidding across the land and ensure the country runs smoothly. They hold many meetings and give many speeches. In many ways, they are the face of the administration.

The Secretary of State is the nations top diplomat, and handles America's overseas affairs.

The Secretary of Defense manages the military, and works to keep our country safe.

The Secretary of Commerce works with the President to insure America's business stay in the black and we don't have another of those pesky recessions.

As for your position, well, I must admit I'm at a loss. I'm unfamiliar with the duties of the Secretary of Chocolate Pudding. I'm not really sure such a position exists. Let me take a look at your paperwork.

I see the problem here. Your so-called orders are nothing more than a giveaway from the Jello people. There's not need to be embarrassed. This type of thing happens all the time. LAst week we had a man insisting he was the Secretary of Sexy Ladies, but after three hours of shouting we convinced him he was just Vice President.