Q: Can you get TB Tuberculosis from touching surfaces or clothing of a infected person?

A: Of course not. What gave you such a silly idea? Just because I am sick with TB, along with your sister, your cousin, our maid, the dog, most of the fish, and even some of the plants does not mean it spreads so easily. Come on now, a disease that lives on counter tops and clothes? Is it spread by little wizards who stay behind and cast sickness spells on anyone who happens to cut meat or wash laundry? Do they have tiny little wands and tiny little pointy wizard hats? You have quite an imagination. Your mother would get a big laugh out of your crazy ideas, if she were still able to laugh. Or breath. Or live. We should probably taker her out back. She's starting to attract vermin.

I have no idea how it happened. One minute she was perfectly healthy, hand washing the sheets from my sick bed while I stood coughing in the corner. The next minute she had come down with TB and was soon coughing blood. Must have been something she ate.

Honestly, I have no idea how TB spreads. All I know is that your tiny wizard theory is laughable and will never be spoken of again. I am not a doctor. I will never be a doctor. I will never speak to a doctor. We'll deal with this outbreak the same way we deal with every problem we've ever faced as a family: Locking the doors, shutting off the lights and waiting until it's over. It got us through the LA riots, it got us through the Rapture, it got us through your uncle being gay, its good enough to get us through a series of strong chest colds. This too shall pass, son. Soon, we'll be on the mend, although it may be too late for some of the plants. And your mother, obviously. But the rest of us will be one big happy family soon. Now come over here and give me a hug.

Hold on a minute.

Ack! Ack! Ack!

 Huuuhhh-chuuuuk!

Eh. Eh. Eh.

Ugh.

Wheeeeew.

I always thought "coughing up a lung" to be a figurative term. At least we have something for dinner. Your mother was getting a bit gamy.

Q: How long did they stay on the moon and where did they land?

A: Details are scarce. Most of our equipment malfunctioned during take-off when Mitchell spilled his can of Jolt on the control panel. Radio contact was limited; we had no way to monitor their health, nor their progress. The giant electric map we commissioned to track their approach to the moon took D batteries. Would have been nice to know that when we picked it up from the cartographer. Someone won't be getting his "I Helped Put a Multicultural Team of Americans on the Moon and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-shirt. Actually, no one will be getting them. The manufacturer left town with our down payment. I'm sure people will enjoy a hastily scribbled Post-It with the same message just as much. Remind me to make those.

Obviously, we have no idea where they landed, but we can assure you it was on the moon. We suspect somewhere near the top and around toward the back. That's were Frank threw the dart on our scale model. He's got pretty good aim. According to the flight plan, they will drive their moon rover, a converted golf cart loaded with dumbbells, directly to the Sea of Tranquility, where they will destroy all traces of previous moon expeditions and claim the moon for our county. This all depends on the moon rovers, but we assume they'll work fine. We spent all last weekend on them, tying down the weights and covering them with decals. Gene could barely lift it once we were done, and he's the strongest guy in the space program.

Earlier, you asked "How long did they stay on the moon?" Your question, being in past tense, makes me think you believe the team is back on Earth, their mission completed. Such a belief is mistaken. They're still up there. We can't really say how long. All the clocks in here stopped working once we pulled out the D batteries and everyone had their cell service shut off due to non-payment. Those are the kind of sacrifices you make to send a man into space. The weekly celebratory keg parties don't pay for themselves. That money has to come from somewhere.

Don't worry though. Our team will be back soon enough. They have everything they need to get back home. Parts. Fuel. Instructions. Everything. All they need to do is build a new rocket from the spare parts of their lunar module, find a heat source, and, using Professor Bernheimer's formula, convert moon rocks into rocket fuel. The only way the plan could fail is if they damage some of the parts or lose the formula. And there's no way they would be dumb enough to -

Oh boy.

Heh. Heh.

How about that? While  answering your question, I reached into my pocket for my grocery list - after our conversation I'm going to the grocery store - and I couldn't find it. But I did find the slip of paper with Professor Bernheimer's formula. Which means our team on the moon will try make space fuel with a list of toiletries and fruit.

Man, that is a gutbuster.

Don't tell anyone about this, okay? This could be a real black eye for the Berkshire County Space Program. And we'd been doing so well.

Q: What are the Kroger opening hours on Christmas Day?

A:  They're open all day! Come on, son, let's have a Holiday Shopping Spree!

Huh, that's weird. It's locked. And it looks like no one is here.

Good thing they gave me this key. On Christmas Day, Kroger hands out tire irons as keys. It's a tradition. One good swing ... There we go.

That's candy glass, son. All part of the tradition. DO NOT EAT IT! Sorry I yelled. That candy glass is for the, uh, poor children who have so little during Christmas. Leave it for them. And be quick about it.

That's not an alarm. It's a heavenly choir. They're singing a new song, one you are unfamiliar with. It's a song about a child who asked his father too many questions and didn't get any presents from Santa.

I have some buddies on the police force and I know they love to do all their shopping at the last minute. They're usually grumpy, having to work on Christmas and all.  Let's get out of here before they show up.

We'll just grab a few things that Mom forgot to buy for Christmas. Like ham. And eggnog. And whiskey. And large bags of cash.

Q: How do you make a Christmas greeting card?

A: I take a child's birthday card, right out of a child's hand. This method saves a lot of time and money. Why should I have to drive all the way to the store, spend minutes wading through row after row of sappy, unfunny cards when I can just wait until someone else does it, wait until the child opens it and then seize the card from his feeble hands?  Children are not as strong as some might think, and are rarely prepared for sneak attacks.

I cross out all the crap about birthdays and numbers and balloons and Garfield. Cash in the card goes in my pocket. My time's not free.

On the front of the card, I draw a picture of Jesus, a huge smile on his face, giant candy cane in his hand. Sometimes there's not enough room to draw a proper happy candy Jesus because the balloons or Garfields were too big, requiring me to draw a Garfield Jesus or a Savior with Balloon arms. This is not easy work, but it does  makes me feel less guilty about pocketing the money. I have to draw fast, as by now the child is usually crying, in only the way a child ca cry, deep sobbing breaths, eyes squeezed shut, streams of tears cascading down their face and onto the floor, alerting nearby adults.

I cross out the focus-grouped platitudes inside the card, or the heartfelt message from grandma, or any mention of birthday money - I wouldn't want to confuse the child - and  write: "Thousands of years ago, Jesus was brutally murdered by Romans because of his beliefs. Today you get presents. Congratulations!"

I hand the card back to the child. At this point I am usually asked to leave.

Q: How did Kim Jong-il die?

A: Since the death of the beloved dictator, speculation abounds as to the cause of the death, with most stories settling on the vague "heart attack" as if the 69 year old strong man, ruler for life, son of the Eternal President,  champion of the Korean dynasty, greatest lover of the world and  9 time winner of Soldier of Fortune's "Dictator of the Year" award could be felled by something as simple as a heart attack. The Supreme Leader survived half a century of constant American aggression. Clearly there is more to the story. Consider:

 - No trace of Diet Coke was found in his bloodstream or stomach.
 - Nowhere in the vicinity of his body did authorities find one can of Diet Coke.
 - In all  the known photographs or drawings or fan films, the Kim Jong-il is never depicted holding or drinking from a can of delicious Diet Coke.
 - Kim Jong-il never ordered an attack on the US Mainland to seize our supplies of life-saving Diet Coke.
 - In all the news reports following his death, there has been no mention of a link between the dictator's passing and a Diet Coke deficiency.

Now we can't come out and say that failure to drink six to eight cans of Diet Coke a day caused the premature death of the most beloved leader in the world - mostly because our lawyers are the jittery, easy-panicked type - but one fact remains:

Kim Jong-il did not drink Diet Coke, and now he is dead.

We can only hope his son learns from his mistake.