Q: What is it that all states request from all voters?

A: We, the elected officials of the 50 states, request that every voter, from the newly registered 18-year-old eager to the change the world, to the 81-year-old shut in who votes because it gives him a chance to feel relevant, take the time to learn about the issues at hand. The polling place is not somewhere to ask a lot of questions like, "What does this word mean?" or  "Which one of these guys will take my guns away?" or "What time do you get off? I wouldn't mind stuffing your ballot." That last one isn't even a question, more of a sleazy pick-up, and sleazy pick ups do not belong near a voting booth unless used by a candidate, and only then when whispered or written in a note when the candidate's spouse is in the restroom.

We request that all voters bath and wear clothes before visiting their polling station. Nice clothes, with collars and buttons. None of those ironic T-shirts of Ugg boots.The rest of the world follows our elections and, well, they already think we're idiots, on account of Bush's reelection. And Sarah Palin. And the whole "death panels" thing. Herman Cain's candidicy didn't help. Let's not give them any more ammunition. We cannot stress the part about the Ugg boots enough.

We request that voters cast their votes for real candidates, who have taken the time to make ads attacking their opponents, and spent the money to pay for those ads, and sacrificed many of life's perks, such as extended extramarital affairs or the joys of week long cocaine binges. Voters who write in names, of either real people who probably couldn't raise the money to even get on the ballot and couldn't possibly afford to run a proper campaign, or fictional characters who may be able to hold government jobs in the McDonalds Playland but would be unable to do so in the real world because they have a cheeseburger for a head,  think they are making a statement. They are. The statement is "I am an idiot." Please don't waste our time with your pathetic cries for attention. It is beneath us as a country.

Above all else, we request that voters continue to think that their vote counts. That it matters. That voters hold the safety of the republic in their hands, that we serve at their whim, that they are the voice we must answer to. That they are the fuel that run the engine of democracy. Please keep thinking this.

Because if you stop believing and start asking questions, we're in a whole lot of trouble. And I like my yacht.

Q: How do you get your hp laptop to turn on after hibernating?

A: Pour whiskey on it. If that doesn't work, try calling it a disappointment while shaking it. If your computer still won't wake up, pelt it with lit cigarettes.

I admit, I don't know much about computers, but I do know a lot about sleeping in. That's how my father would get me out of bed.

I'm just kidding.

My father would never waste whiskey. 

Q: Can you list all of the Mark Twain quotes?

A: Of course I can. What kind of stupid question is that. Everyone knows I'm, like, the biggest Mark Twain fan in the entire freaking world. I named my two kids Huck and Tom. My annual budget for wigs and moustache bleach rivals the GDP of most Third World countries. My Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, ATM, and home security passwords are all same: Clemens. As in Samuel Clemens. As in Mark Twain's real name. I'm pretty sure I can list all his quotes. In fact, I guarantee I could.

You want me to do it now?

Oh. Okay.

Do you mind if I log on the computer for a second? I have this terrible tickle in my throat and I want to check WedMD. I might have shingles.

I'm not going to Google "Mark Twain quotes." That would be cheating, and, like I said, I have no reason to cheat because I am the world's biggest Mark Twain fan who may or may not be dying of shingles.

Incidentally, do you know that you're using the word quote incorrectly? Quote is a verb, as in, "May I quote you on that, Senator?" What you want to say is quotation. Do I know all the Mark Twain quotations?

I'm not stalling. I'm correcting your syntax. Most people are thankful for that. You don't have to get all defensive and start yelling at me and making a scene. You should have more consideration for my condition. I could have shingles.

Okay, all the quotes. Every single one. Do you want them chronologically or by subject or anything?

Doesn't matter? Okay, here we go. All the Mark Twain quotes.

Um, let's see ... There's the one about writing: "Write without pay until someone offers to pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for." One of my yearbook quotes. Most people forget the second part, but not me, because my brain is literally bursting with Twain knowledge. Literally. Bursting. You can see the stretch marks right here. Although, that might be the shingles. I really ought to check WedMD.

I'm seriously not stalling. Listing every Mark Twain quote is the easiest thing in the world. Why would I stall?

Fine. I'll keep going. Despite the pain. Here we go, every Mark Twain quote.

There's ... Um ... There's ... Wow, there's so many. They're all kind of running together in my head ... I could use a coffee.

Not stalling.

Okay, yes, yes, I have it. His famous quote about gambling:  "Ever play Roulette? Always bet on black."

Well I first heard it from Mark Twain. It's not my fault if some Hollywood movie steals his material without credit.

I have shingles.

Q: What are three literary elements?

Q: Protagonist: The main character of a story. The hero if you will. He or she must achieve a goal or save the city or find a treasure. He's the one you're rooting for. A protagonist can be anyone, from a simple farm boy about to enter an intergalactic war against an evil empire, to a simple accounts-receivable manager with strong, muscular legs and firm, shapely buttocks from his years on the competitive hip-hop dancing circuit.

Antagonist: The character who impedes the protagonist. What you would call a villain. He's responsible for putting a series of escalating obstacles in the path of our hero. Normally, the antagonist receives the majority of the boos ad hisses and thrown tomatoes. An antagonist could be, say, a former Jedi Knight who has turned his back on his culture and embraced the dark side, or an uptight and unreasonable company president who requires his employees to wear loose-fitting, drab trousers every day of the week.

Conflict: The basis for all drama. Two opposed forces coming head to head. Only one can win. One must win. Some notable conflicts include the destruction of the Death Star, the savior of Endor, and the creation of a new, more relaxed, company dress code.

As you can see, my resignation letter has all three literary elements. In case you don't understand,  I am the protagonist, you are the antagonist and the company's draconian dress code is the conflict.

Our story has reached a climax. You have two choices: accept my resignation, or agree to my demands and declare Friday Tight Pants Day. You have ten seconds to decide. I'll count slowly so you have plenty of time to consider what has to be the biggest choice of your career.

Oooonnnnnnnnneeee .... Twwwwwooooooooo ... Three-

Oh. Okay. Are you sure you don't want to take the full ten seconds? I'd hate to see you rush into a decision here.

No? You're sure. Okay then.

And you're positive you don't want to reconsider Tight Pants Friday?

All right.

I guess all we have left to discuss is my severance package.

There's no need to call security. I feel perfectly safe. These pants are extremely supportive.

Q: What phase is the moon in when you can see more than one?

A: There's never a phase where you can see more than one moons. There's just the one moon. It reflects sunlight, shines real bright, and we see the reflection. There's only one moon.

How are you seeing two moons?

Oh, I know what's going on.

That  big white circle in the sky there? That's the moon. That other bright shining orb? That's a searchlight. Someone must have tipped off the guards about our escape.

Don't wave at it.