Q: What would it be like if you won five million dollars?

A: Awesome. It would be awesome. Easily the single greatest moment of my life. Far greater than the first time I had sex, or my wedding, or the birth of my son or even the 2003 playoffs when the Red Sox pulled off the greatest comeback in team sports history against the Yankees and then went on to win the World Series.

I'd buy a boat, a big one, with its own captain and crew and team of bikini models to dance on me as the sun sets, and travel the world from port to port making sweet love to every stripe of the female rainbow.

I'd learn Japanese. Or carry enough yen to convince everyone I met that I knew Japanese. Their warm smiles and nods would be a good feeling and would impress my army of hangers-on, unless one of my hangers-on actually knew Japanese. Remind me not to hang out with anyone who actually knows Japanese.

Obviously I'd changed my name, get a face lift and some lipo to make myself more attractive to the ladies. Not that I'd need to be that attractive; the boat would be very big.

But, before I'd do all that I would divorce my wife, abandon my awful kids and hit the road, finally a free man.

I don't understand why you're crying, son. Your mother's young enough to find a new man for you to call Daddy. If she's smart, she'll find someone who won't find your every move a source of shame.

Now sit down. The pretty lady's about to read the numbers.

Q: Why do fingers turn black after death?

A: Post mortem black fingers mean one of two things:

1.) The victim died from exposure to the black plague.

2.) The Inker has escaped from Arkham Asylum.

The remains of the a fountain pen in the deceased's hand and the presence of a note by the body saying "I'm back to make crime in Gotham bold again" signed "The Inker" give credence to theory number 2, but the Black Plague is a serious matter and we'd be remiss not to examine all possibilities. After all, this is an election year.

I'll fire up the Bat Signal. You kill all the rats and poor people.

Q: How do you prevent meatballs from breaking up when cooking?

A: Typically you press the meatballs tightly together when making them or use a binding agent like egg whites. I don't think either method would help here.

Meatballs are usually made from ground beef or ground pork or ground turkey with some filler like breadcrumbs or cheese. Rarely do you see meatballs made from shredded wedding photos and Rolos.

I assume your wife did most of the cooking. And the cleaning. And the personal grooming. And the protecting your home from bands of marauding hobos.

The DVDs are alphabetized, so I guess you brought something to the marriage.

Q: How does the hot air balloon effect the economy?

A:  There's an old saying that dates back to the Ottoman Empire: When one's economy is in dire straits, when one's serfs or wenches bristle under rule and speak revolution, one must look to the sky; a craft of wingless flight shall be your salvation.  As you can clearly see, this rule applies as much today as it did hundreds of years ago. There is no better fix for a stagnant economy than a influx of hot air balloons.

Hot air balloons do not make magically appear from the sea or a lantern, they must be built by the hand of man. Construction of a properly magnificent hot air balloon requires miles of heavy duty canvas, industrial strength bellows, and enough strong wicker to hold three men.  The manufacture of one balloon alone would employ thirty men for three months time, and that's not including the wicker.

Not any many can captain a hot air balloon. It takes a special man of skill and pluck and courage and inspirational handsomeness. To teach and nurture and train and groom such men you will need to build schools, write and publish books, and recruit the finest barbers and personal trainers in the world, all of whom will need lodging, entertainment,  food, and legal council.

In addition to their training, hot air balloon captains require shiny, military-style uniforms complete with visor caps and black gloves and sabers, for the fighting of sky pirates. For some reason hot air balloon captains are more effective when dressed as sleek fascists. I'm not sure of sure of the science behind this; I'm not here to improve your standing in the scientific community, but to improve your economy. Anyway, they will need to be dressed and armed and that will require an army of tailors and haberdashers and blacksmiths and, eventually, sky pirates. Few man choose a life of sky piracy, but with the right amount of guilt and blackmail, enough will heed the call to make your hot air balloon captains into heroes.

As you most certainly know, no one attracts the ladies like a hot hair balloon captain. There's another old saying: He who commands the swinging sky chariot has his pick of the swooning harlots. Wise words. Now these women, in order to stand out from the crowd and attract a captain, and thereby lift themselves out of the gutter and make their family proud, will need to look nice. That means new dresses and jewels and hair and make up and those strappy high heels that make their calves look delectable.  In turn this means jobs for dress makers and cosmetologists and jewelers and cobblers and makers of durable and reliable prophylactics.

Hot air balloons are your only hope to save your dying economy. How many would you like?

Great. You'll have the materials for the first batch in a week.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that these hot air balloons should only be used for their intended method, as symbols of national greatness and not for anything stupid like police work or shipping or consumer travel. They can be taken out with a well-thrown rock and rarely land where they are supposed to.

I'd also like to remind you that all sales are final and your deposit is non-refundable. Enjoy your prosperity.

Q: Is rules a house of subcommittee?

A: Welcome to the U.S. House of Representatives. Congratulations on your election. You fought a tough and bitter campaign full of negative ads, push polls, race-baiting speeches and false promises and deserve to be here in the nation's capital. I'm sure you're excited to be sworn in, take the floor of the hallowed House for the first time and start making laws that benefit your largest contributors, but before you do, there's a few things you should know. In the U.S. House of Representatives, rules is not a subcommittee, rules are a way of life.

The first rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are no rules.

The second rule of the U.S. House of Representative is that all rules, including and especially the aforementioned rule are subject to committee, followed by a floor debate, followed by a Yay or Nay vote; rules receiving a majority of votes will be considered passed following approval by the Senate, the House and the Senate together, and the President. Subsequently rules, including the aforementioned first rule are subject to amendments requesting financing for virtual reality petting zoos, super-conducting, super-computing, super-sized fried potatoes, and tastefully erotic photos of female staff.

The third rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are many, many rules. This rule overrides the first rule of the House of Representative. For a full list of rules contact your representative. If you are your representative, go to the Library of Congress, look for the librarian with the withered hand and the one red eye - if you can't find her, ask for Janice - tell her that "The seeds of democracy are best watered with Yoo-Hoo, American's Favorite Chocolate Drink," and read whatever she gives you, except the map to her apartment and drawings from the Kama Sutra; Janice gets a little frisky and refuses to remove said erotica from the Congressional Rules Archive no matter how fiercely we paddle her.The paddling might not be the answer.

The fourth rule of the U.S. House or Representatives is that anything said on the floor of the U.S. House of Reprensentatives stays on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. Or is broadcast on C-Span. Either way, it's not for public consumption.

The fifth rule of the U.S House of Representatives is that lunch is at 1:30PM and steak is mandatory. If you are a vegetarian, steak will be provided.

The sixth rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that the work week contains 3 days, the month two weeks and the year 7 months. You are required to be on the floor for most of the votes during that period unless you're busy with your re-election campaign or you're on a fact-finding mission or you have a cold or you don't feel like it or you have tickets to an important football, baseball, basketball, girls' field hockey or professional wrestling match. Absences other than for the above mentioned reasons require letters from 51% of your constituents excusing you from service.

There are 167 more rules, but that's enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on your first day. You'll have the next two years to be overwhelmed, ineffective and a drain on the nation.