Q: What are the 5 things the determine personal health?

A: A healthy lifestyle depends on:

1.) Eating a balanced diet, low in sodium, sugar and fat.
2.) Exercising daily.
3.) Refraining from smoking, drug use or drinking alcohol.
4.) Getting plenty of sleep, at least 8 hours a day,
5.) Not having an alien gestating in your rib cage.

You were so close.

Q: What type of things were drawn on cave walls?

A: That's an excellent question, Tommy, and that's exactly why we took this field trip, to see some cave drawings with our own eyes and experience what it would have been like to live thousands of years ago, before TV, before movies, before man could even read or write. I can't wait to see what we find. Let's take a look.

Here we have a drawing of a family around the fire, looking up with awe at a man in elaborate dress, perhaps a soothsayer or wise man. And here we see a warrior saving his bride from a mammoth, slaying the beast with   a spear.

It's like stepping into a time machine and traveling back to visit our ancestors. We can see how they ate, how they lived, how they danced and, if you look over here, how they ... oh dear ... how they made love.

Let's move on. Here we have a still life, of some sort of gourd, or maybe a banana, next to a pair of oranges -  okay let's keep moving. Come on everyone! Eyes down! Eyes down!

Stop taking pictures, Tommy!

Hurry along, hurry along.

Okay, this is more like it. A herd of animals. Look at the details, the arc of the horns, the grace of their movement. These drawings are the work of a true artist. We can see the animals, running through the plains, leaping over a stream, running right into the spear of a waiting warrior. I think that's his spear. I hope that's his spear.

Oh, dear.

Move along, class, move along. Kelly, don't look at that!

Run, children, run! Over here, over here!

Oh, here's a nice one. This is magnificent. Look at the scope. Thousands of tribes coming together, walking through the canyon to worship a space ship. A space ship. What the fuck?

I quit. Field trip's over. Bus leaves in five minutes.

Tommy, please stop taking pictures.

Q: Why does Chaucer portray himself as a knight in the Canterbury Tales?

A: For centuries, writers have written themselves into their own work. Take a look at The Bible, written by God. God puts himself at the center of everything: he's either in every scene, or the subject of every scene. In the sequel, his ego fulfilled, God took a step back and focused more on his son, much to the delight of millions of  fans.

Writing is hard, lonely work, often unrewarding. Writers love to remind readers that the words on the page did not magically appear, nor were they written by an elf or fairy, nor are they result of an infinite number of monkeys banging away at an infinite number of keyboards for infinity; human beings write books, humans with hearts, with souls, humans looking for attention, humans looking to get laid. What better way to woo a potential lover than by writing a story where you appear as a knight, or a wizard, or a crime-fighting cyborg from the future?

The tradition of writers putting themselves in their own work continues to this day, as seen in the works of M. Night Shymalan, portraying a writer whose work will change the world in Lady in the Water, Quentin Tarantino, portraying a former hitman with a loving wife in Pulp Fiction, and George Lucas, portraying the role of inter-galactic crime boss, Jabba the Hut in Star Wars.

By the way, did you happen to read that story I gave you about the crime-fighting cyborg from the future named Ryan? Pretty sexy stuff, huh?

So, how about we grab dinner and maybe I'll let you find out if I'm really half-man, half-machine?

Q: How do you beat twitch in star wars knights of the old republic?

A: Years ago, before you were born, I left my home in Schenectady and boarded a train bound for Milwaukee.  I sat down next to a man who bothered me. I don't know what it was about him, maybe his mismatched socks, one navy, one maroon, his crumb-covered vest, the odor of old feet wafting from his belt, or his uneven beard, but it was something, something I didn't like.  I would have switched seats had I could but I could not, so I sat with my head down, hoping he would depart soon.

He rode all the way to Milwaukee. Along the way, the woman behind me began to convulse. She kicked the back of my seat, slapped me in the head, fell to the ground foaming at the mouth. The whole time, the man in the seat next to me clapped his hands and giggled. "Is that Joan Rivers?" he shouted, over and over again, clapping louder. "Is that Joan Rivers? Is that Joan Rivers? Is that Joan Rivers?" It was not Joan Rivers. It was an elderly epileptic struggling to live. I never thought I'd see a worse case of timing than that man asking that question while that woman writhed in the aisle. Until right now. Until you lept from your seat, shouted your question about Star Wars and ruined your grandmother's funeral.

Congratulations, son, you've asked the most ill-timed, poorly thought out question I have ever heard. You deserve a trophy. I'll leave for Milwaukee tomorrow to pick it up. Hopefully that guy still has it.

Q: Why does the silica content of the seawater in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans increase as the depth of the water increases?

A: That's a simple question, with a simple answer, an answer any marine biologist knows by heart. You see, when the depths of the oceans increase the, uh ... silica, um, well it also, um ... increases ... because ...

I know this, but I can't remember the words I need to say to explain it to you. This is basic marine biology, first day stuff, and as a marine biologist I should have this answer in my back pocket.

You can tell I'm a marine biologist because I'm wearing this lab coat, and these goggles, and my ID badge says "Marine Biologist" on it, right beneath my name. You can tell I'm a marine biologist because I'm telling you I'm a marine biologist. Who would lie about that? Who would spend their life coveting the position of marine biologist, shadowing a leader in the field for days, learning his every move, his every thought, dressing like him, acting like him, until one day he could become him, until one day he could burst into his lab, beat him over the head with a whale bone and steal his identity? A crazy person, that's who.

I am not a crazy person. I am a marine biologist. Again, I point you in the direction of my ID badge.

I spilled some acid on my badge, that's why you can't read my name. I was using the acid to melt some garbage, a common procedure for marine biologists. I was about to write my name on my badge but you walked into the lab and began haranguing me with questions about water depths and silica content and the whereabouts of a fictional Dr. Throckmorton, a man I've never heard of, nor seen. I became distracted and failed to write my name on my badge.

My name is not important. What's important is that I am a marine biologist.

I know whales are not fish; whales are mammals. Many people don't know that, but, as a marine biologist, I know it by heart. I also know the correlation between silica content and water depth by heart, but as I said before, your sudden appearance in my lab, while I was hastily fixing my name tag, and sliding a  large, heavy sack of garbage under my desk, startled me and made me forget the most basic of marine facts, aside from the fact about the whales. This is really all your fault. In all my years as a marine biologist, I have never been so disrespected in my own lab. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

If you're not going to leave, I'm going to have to ask you to help me carry the large, heavy sack of garbage to the incinerator. If the garbage begins to stir, or moan, or scream, or claim to be the fictional Dr. Throckmorton, do not be alarmed. Marine biology trash often moves, or moans, or lies. It's one of the perks of the profession.

If you're not going to help me dispose of my large, heavy, stirring, moaning sack of garbage, I'm going to have to ask you to drink from this beaker.

The beaker does not contain acid. The label is an acronym meaning Apple Cider Irish Drink. It's basically apple cider and whiskey. I apologize if you are Irish and the name of the drink offended you.

If you're not going to drink the Apple Cider Irish Drink, I'm going to have to ask you to look out the window while I club you with this whale bone. If you're not going to let me club you with this whale bone, I'm going to have to ask you to stop shouting for the police.