Q: Can you download Facetime?

A: Son, face time isn't a computer program, it's quality time spent with another person, face to face. If you want some face time with your dad, all you have to do is ask me.

Oh, and tell my assistant, Karen. She gets really pissy when I book my own appointments. But you know how women get, always trying to control everything.

Or maybe you don't know. Maybe that's why you want to talk to me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, son. Save it for the face time. I'm kind of busy right now.

We'll have that face time soon, real soon. Just let me know when you want to do it, check with Karen - oh, make sure it's not a Thursday. Thursday's are packed. So, no Thursdays. Or Wednesdays. Or Fridays. Definitely not the weekends. Tuesday's are no good, either.

But any other day is fine. Just let me know. And Karen.

When did you want to have that face time?

Now's no good. I think I made that clear.

Please calm down.

Why is it so urgent that we talk right now? Why can't it wait?

Haven't you always been missing that finger? I swear you have.

Q: What is the average rate for a framing contractor in southern California?

A: For six grand, I'll get you fingerprints on a murder weapon. For eight, an eye witness. For ten grand, and a little lead time, I can get you DNA on the corpse. Your husband will go away for a long, long time.

This is your husband, right? The guy in this picture. He's the one you want me to frame for murder, right? That is what I do. That is why you called me? Right?

Okay, now you're crying. Did I say something wrong?

If you don't want me to frame him for murder, why did you call me? Why did you come here? Why did you hand me his picture?

Oh.

Look, lady, don't take it out on me because you can't read an ad right, an ad that clearly states "No Picture Framing."

See? It says it right here, right at the top of the ad. And again down here. And here. And here, on the side, right below my phone number, it says, "Murder Framing Only! No Pictures!" That should have been a sign.

Speaking of signs, did you notice the one out front, the one that has a drawing of a picture frame with a circle around it and a line through it? Did you see that? That means No Picture Framing!

I don't see why there should be any confusion.

My name is Jim Picture. The name on the door says Jim Picture's Framing. Jim Picture's Framing. Not Jim's Picture Framing. What are you, dyslexic?

Oh, I'm very sorry. That must have been quite a struggle. Pardon my insensitivity. I was in a car crash a few years ago - vehicular homicide fraud frame-up, deal went south - that destroyed my sense of empathy, and my short term memory, and my sense of empathy.

Now, where were we?

I can frame this man for life for ten grand. It will be easy. Look at this face. What a bastard. No wonder you want to ruin him.

And now you're crying.

Q: Is media is a source of morality?

A: The media provides entertainment, in the form of scantily clad women, posing as doctors or lawyers or teachers, who solve crimes or heal the sick or teach kids to be who they are, as long as the"who" in question are attractrive twenty-somethings with great teeth and great hair, or slightly overweight girls with glasses who would be the hottest chick in 9 out of 10 high schools, because of their great hair and teeth.

The media also provides news, with the help of attractive men with great hair and teeth and some of the most gorgeous women in world, also with great hair and great teeth.

As you can see, TV is in the business of entertainment and education, not in the business of sending messages.

If you want a source for morality, all you need is a little book I like to call The Bible!

The exclamation point is part of the title. I added it when I rewrote the book. I kept the stories the same, for the most part, aside from a few minor changes: Instead of a pillar of salt, Lot's wife turns into a supermodel. Instead of losing everything he owns and everyone he loves and having his body covered with painful sores, Job stubs his toe, and loses the 3rd disc of The Wire, season 4. Instead of dying on the cross for the sins of man, Jesus frees himself, snaps the cross in half and and beats the holy Hell out of Judas, Pontius Pilate and all the Romans. Except, instead of "Hell," I  call it "Jesus and Dad Steamy Underground Workshop For Meanies." Stuff like that.

I also added a bunch of pictures, mostly of TV leading ladies stars and female sportscasters. When you spend eight years of your life writing a book, you damned sure want someone to read it.

Q: What is the value of Robert F Kennedy's autograph in profiles of courage book?

A: Probably not as valuable as you'd think. First of all, John F. Kennedy wrote Profiles in Courage, not Robert F. Kennedy.

Second, it's not much of an autograph. It says "Rodly L Kinnn" then stops. And there's all that blood. Asking him for an autograph at the moment of his assassination may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it's kind of creepy.

Really, really creepy.

This is the creepiest antique we've ever appraised on Antiques Roadshow. I don't want to see what's in the rest of your bag.

Particularly the part that's moving.

Q: What are ways of protecting your circulatory system?

A: You can eat well, exercise frequently, abstain from drugs and alcohol, sleep 10 hours a day, drink plenty of water, avoid trips to Africa or India, stay out of the sun, and generally live a plain, boring, safe life.

Or, you can do what I did: build an exo-skeleton. Now my circulatory system is well protected, as is my skin, my skeletal system, my vital organs - such as my spleen (the spleen is very important and should always be safe-guarded) - my teeth, my hair, my eyes - everything. Literally everything.

I suggest you build one for yourself. It might take years of hard work, but in the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of worry. My exo-skeleton makes me feel bullet-proof!

Because I am. I'm also knife-proof, grenade-proof, spear-proof, arrow-proof and even shark-proof. Nothing can hurt me. I'm invincible!

If you do decide to build one for yourself, I suggest you made some modifications to my design.

Don't use concrete. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's very heavy. And coarse. Once it hardened, it became impossible to move. Or leave. Looks like I'm stuck in this thing forever.

Which brings me to my next mistake: include some plumbing. Really wish I had thought of that.

Also, include some air holes. You're going to want those.