Q: What good colleges can you get into?

A: I can get into NYU, because I made a series of award-winning snuff films. They all made the papers. At least after my acquittal.

Or I could get into Vanderbilt, study hotel management, because of my high GPA, my solid ACT score and my years of distinguished service at Motel 6.

I could get into Arizona State, because I filled out the application.

But I'll probably go to Yale, because of the school President's fondness for underage boys. And my talents as a photographer.

Q: What are the factors causing decline of biodiversity?

A: Well, the plants are dying. The pesticides we brought killed them. Ironically, the pesticides didn't kill the bugs. They made the bugs stronger. Faster. Meaner.

The bugs ate the livestock. The bugs ate the birds. The bugs ate the lab animals. The bugs ate Jennings, the lab tech. The bugs got the thirst for human blood.

There's not many of us left now, Spiros, just you and me. And the bugs. All those bugs. The bugs and nothing else. That's not biodiversity, that's bioscarcity.

When they write the history of BioSphere 4, they'll blame the sudden, cataclysmic decline on biodiversity on any number of factors: poor planning, shoddy construction, improper pesticides, our decision to stock the sphere with insects discovered in a smoking crater from the Mojave Desert. But those aren't the real reason.

The real reason is the lack of air. We made the place air tight. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Another good idea would have been to install some oxygen tanks so we'd have something to breathe. The lack of oxygen really clouded our thinking. We really haven't done anything right since.

If we make it out of here, and I get a chance to design BioSphere 4 - as God as my witness - I will not make that mistake again. I will use my construction budget for actual construction, construction of the Sphere, construction of a life support system, instead of construction of a false identity that allowed us to jet around the world, living the high life and bedding models from Eastern Europe.

Those were the days, Spiros.

Spiros, you have a bug for a head.

Q: Is it normal for husband to flirt with his cousins?

A: In most families, yes. But, as you will find out, we are not like most families.

For one thing, most families live in houses. Our family lives in a well.

Most families hold down jobs, or start companies, or make their money living off the government. Our family makes it's money rifling through the pockets of cityfolk who fall down our well.

Most families buy their food at the store, and they eat regular meals together every night. Our family finds their food in the well and we eat just as soon as the cityfolk stop kicking.

Most families socialize with other families and encourage cousins not to sleep with each other once they reach puberty. Our family doesn't mingle much. And we don't tell our children what to do in their private time.

Yup, our family is pretty peculiar, but you'll grown accustomed to our eccentricities. Give your husband a little room to breathe. Sure, he may flirt with his cousins, but once he's had his fun, he's coming back to this rock to be with you. He'll make the happiest wife in the whole damn world.

At least until a prettier girl falls down the well.

Q: Why does a mouse bind its head?

A: When that mouse came into the village, he came on a mission of peace, on a fact finding mission. He came to do no harm. He came to observe. What he saw made him sick.

He saw other mice mistreated, abused, slaughtered. He watched his best friend die, blown to pieces by a landmine. He had his new found love die in his arms, a victim of a bullet meant for him. He saw corruption and sadism on a grand scale. He saw a land where life had no meaning.

That mouse had enough. He decided to stand up for those who can not stand, fight back for those who can not fight. That mouse decided to wage a one-man war against tyranny and oppression.

That's why he tied his boats real tight. That's why he slid that knife into the sheath so hard. That's why he donned that red bandanna.  A mouse binds his head because he means business. That mouse means business.

We should probably kill him before he fires that flaming arrow.

Q: What is the difference between otter box and body armor?

A: Body armor protects. It will prevent puncture wounds. It will deflect knives. It will stop bullets. Body armor will save your life.

An otter box is a shoe box full of otters. In theory, it might help you - if the otters were rabid, or hungry or trained to kill. But we don't live in theory. We live in reality. And in reality, all your otters are dead. A shoe box full of dead otters won't protect a thing.

Knowing all that, which would you rather have, the body armor or the otter box?

Choose again.

Try again.

One more time. Really think about it this time.

Is that your final choice?

Okay.

We can't allow you to work on the President's protection detail. That job requires the ability to take a bullet for the President. That ability requires a understanding of what body armor does.

Thank you for your time. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Don't forget your otters.