Q: What advantages do chicken have over beef?

A: Chickens are smart. They're strong. They're fast. They know how to fight.

They know how to kill.

When backed in a corner, they will attack, with reckless abandon - wings flapping, beak snapping, claws tearing - until they can't attack anymore.

They don't walk in a circle, lie down and wait to be slaughtered. That's what cows do. As you just saw.

But that's typical of a dairy farmer, bringing a cow to a cock fight.

Q: How do you borrow money from a child's beneficiary annuity?

A: If you need money, Daddy, you can ask me. You don't need to go behind my back and steal from my future.

Did you lose at the track again? Is that why you need money?

You know you shouldn't bet based on the horse's name. They give the best names to the worst horses. That's how they get you.

Don't cry, Daddy. It's okay. I'll give you money if you need it. You can have all the money in my piggy bank. I was saving up to buy a Barbie Glam Convertible, but it can wait. You need thumbs more than Barbie needs a car.

Take whatever you need. Don't feel bad. Everyone makes mistakes.

Just don't make the mistake of not paying me back. You have no idea what I've had to do to get that money. If you try to stiff me, I'm going to take a lot more than your thumbs.

Good night, Daddy. I love you.

Q: Why do you get drowsy in the afternoon?

A: I wake up early most days, around 6:30AM. I write for an hour, jog for twenty minutes, check my emails, walk the dog, make breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, climb into the car and head to work.

I drink my first bottle of scotch in the car on the way to work.

I drink my second bottle during the 10:30 conference call with the execs in Phoenix and Vancouver. Now, these are small bottle we're talking about, only 750ml, so I'm only a little buzzed. I'm not guzzling handles of booze in the morning. It's not like I have a problem or anything.

After the call, I sneak out for an early lunch, where I throw back about four or five tequila shots, a couple of beers and a plate of chicken wings - need to get my energy up for my meeting with the Art Department.

The guys in the Art Department have the best weed. Those meetings generally run about two hours.Three if someone brought chips. By this point, I've been up for almost 10 hours straight. As you can imagine, I;m pretty tired. And pretty hammered. That's why I like to take a nap. I find that I sleep better in a hammock. I used to crawl under my desk, but then I'd just get cranky. Nobody wants me to come to the 6PM staff meeting cranky, do they?

I didn't think so. Now let's order that hammock and installed.

I don't care if we don't have a line item for hammocks in the budget. Make it work. If you need to free up some money, get rid of Jenkins. I have no idea what he does.

You're Jenkins? Then who is that over there? The fat guy with the green skin who sits at his desk all day and doesn't move?

A statue of our founder? I've been calling that thing Jenkins for months. I feel like an asshole.

So, Jenkins, how about that hammock?

Q: Who creates the standard style guide for a research paper?

A: Usually the teacher. Occasionally the dean. Sometimes a charismatic student.

In our case Billy. Billy sets all the standards.You don't know Billy? That's right, you're new.  He's the boy over there, on the monkey bars.

DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!

Think pure thoughts. Think pure thoughts.

That was close.

Billy is what we call ... gifted. He's a very special boy. A wonderful, special, little boy. About a month ago, he discovered he has the most amazing powers. He can control matter. He can control life. Anything he can think of, he can do. He's a wonderful little boy.We're lucky to have him.

He's looking at us. Smile. Smile.

A couple weeks ago, we had a priest come by to talk to Billy, to see if he maybe had any ... visitors ... in his soul. Billy struck the man blind. Then he gave him back his sight. Then he laughed and laughed and laughed. Since then, we've let Billy make all the decisions. We feel that's for the best. If he wants recess to last for six hours, then recess lasts for six hours. If he wants all research papers to be written in Sanskrit on used toilet paper, then we'll start teaching Sanskrit and stop flushing. If he wants to have the teachers battle each other in gladiator style combat, to the death, each day at lunch, who are we to argue? He knows best.

Yes, life under Billy's rule has been wonderful, just wonderful. You'll like it here. I've worked at a lot of schools, but this one - His back is turned. We can overwhelm him and regain control. It's our only hope. You go first. I'll create a distraction. Go. Go. Go. Go.

LOOK OUT, BILLY! THE NEW SCIENCE TEACHER IS COMING TO KILL YOU!

Q: How can I find out if a deceased family member had any life insurance?

A: Oh dear.

You could hire a private detective to dig into their personal lives, interview everyone they've ever known, follow their life from birth to death - basically learn everything about them.

Or, you could find out while they are still alive. Walk right up to them and ask. Something like, "Hey, Dad, do you have any life insurance?" That would be easier than all that private detective nonsense. If he does have life insurance, you could ask "Am I the beneficiary?"

If you are the beneficiary, then you push him in front of the train. Once that train hits him, the "information gathering" portion of our plan has expired, and the "making it look like an accident and creating a credible alibi" portion has begun.

I probably should have explained all this to you earlier. It was unfair of me to assume that you knew how to commit insurance fraud. Oh, well, we'll get it right next time.

Speaking of ... Does your mother happen to have life insurance naming you as the beneficiary? And would she happen to enjoy any high risk hobbies, like skydiving, or hang-gliding or making toast in the tub?