Q: What can we do to help a polar bear?

A: You can't do much now but stand in the corner and wait for the tag. Make sure to hold onto that tag rope, otherwise the tag won't count.

I know you want to jump into the ring and start beating on your opponents and helping the bear, but you can't do it. The referee will drag you back to the corner, turning his back on your foes, giving them the chance to cheat and beat on the bear some more. You'd be doing more harm than good. You'll have to be patient and wait for that tag.

Once he tags you, then you can fight. You can vault right over that top rope like a house afire - fists pumping, knees churning, heart racing - kick some ass, win the match, raise those glorious tag-team championship belts over your head, and finally win the respect of your father.

Of course, you may be waiting for that tag for some time. The polar bear doesn't seem to understand the rules of tag team wrestling.

I hate to be the guy who says "I told you so," but I did tell you choosing a polar bear as your tag team partner was a terrible idea. A bear might be a natural wrestler, but no bear, not even the smartest and toughest one, has any experience with tag team wrestling. It's a completely different kind of wrestling, one he clearly does not understand.

I bet he doesn't even know he's in a fight. That would explain why he spends most of his time wandering around, scratching himself and letting them beat on him. He probably thinks it's cute.

And now he's taking a nap.

Might be a while before you get that tag. Might be time to start brainstorming other ways to impress your dad.

Q: How would you go beyond customer service?

A: Greeting the customer with a smile? Answering all their questions to the best of my ability? Making their satisfaction my highest priority? Helping them find whatever they need? Offering to help them carry their purchases out of the store?

For amateurs. Anyone can do that.

What I do, what you need, what this company lacks, is true customer service, the ability to anticipate the customer's every question, every need, every desire. To know what they want before they want it. To have what they need before before they need it, before they even know they need it.

How do I do it? It's not simple and it's not easy. I get inside their mind, inside their skin. I follow them home. I look through their windows. I learn their security codes. By searching their emails, reading their mail, auditing their finances, talking to their parents, playing with their children, dating their ex-lovers and wearing their clothes, I am able to become like them. I am able to become them. I am able to provide the greatest customer service you could ever imagine.

I don't see what that would be creepy? Which part do you find creepy? When I talk to the kids? When I where their clothes? When I steal their identities to visit museums? When I take hair from their combs to make wigs? Is it when I sleep with the ex-lovers? Some folks find that extreme, but in my defense, I am dedicated to my craft.

All of it? You find all of it creepy?

I don't know what to say. I thought your organization valued customer service. If all you want is someone to plant a fake smile on his face and pretend to like people, then I suggest you hire a monkey. Because that is a job for a monkey. I was not aware that McDonald's employed monkeys. When you're ready to provide real customer service, give me a call.

Just don't wait to long. I have an interview this afternoon at Burger King. I have a feeling that they'll have a greater appreciation for my talents.

Q: What materials are good for pipes?

A: Fruits. Vegetables. Tissue paper. Tiny pieces of cracker. Really anything small and soft and that will decompose and sluice through drains would be fine.

You know what's not good for pipes: chunks of dead hooker. Hundreds of bloody, messy chunks. All that bone and hair, that's gonna ruin your pipes and mess up your plumbing all over the house. But, I don't need to tell you that, you found that one out for yourself.

I don't know which is more appalling, that you murdered all these women, or that you were too lazy to chop them into smaller pieces. Did you really think you could flush an entire leg down the toilet? Or wash a head down the drain in the shower? Are you crazy or something?

Don't answer that question. I don't want to know. I'm here to fix your pipes, not write your biography.

Q: Who are the next two people to take over if the president should die?

A: If anything should happen to the President and he is unable to fulfill the duties of his office, one person would take over. One, not two.

One.

That one person would be the Vice President of the United States.

That one person would be you, Mr. Biden.

I assumed that was explained to you during the transition, or during the election, or you had stumbled across that information at some point during your twenty plus years in the Senate.

If anything happens to the President, then you become the President. You get to sit in the Oval Office, you get to make the decisions, you get the nuclear codes. Everything rests on your shoulders.

I'm going to need you to pull yourself together, sir. Please stop crying. Everything is going to be okay. The President is young and fit - nothing is going to happen to him.

If anything does happen to him, you'll have tons of support - all your friends will be there, we'll help you with your speeches and meetings, we'll show you around the White House so you don't get locked in the closet again, and, you can eat all the ice cream you want, all day long. You can even have ice cream for breakfast!

Doesn't that sound fun?

Wonderful. Now go to bed and get a good night's sleep.  You have a big day of gaffes tomorrow and you'll need your rest.

Q: What do you call a get together for the bride to be for the second marriage?

A: We're still deciding. We're having a banner made for Jen' party and we don't know what it should say.

"Happy Bachelorette Party!" seems a little trite.

"Happy Bachelorette Party 2.0, This Time It's Forever!" might sound like we're mocking her.

Trudy suggested we call it a  "Celebration of Love / Self Defense Seminar," but we really want to avoid any mention of her previous marriage. But, we will give her some coupons for self-defense classes, just in case. Her new fiance seems like a nice guy, but you can never can be too careful. Jen does have a certain type.

I like "Half Of All Marriage End In Divorce - Statistically Speaking, This One is Bound to Succeed!" but I was overruled. People don't like to mix math with their parties.

"Happy Weekend Obligation to Support Our Insecure Friend!" really hits the nail on the head, but I worry it might really upset Jen, due to her painful insecurities. She's pretty needy. I mean, she just met this guy three months ago and they're already getting married. She's been divorced less than a year. I haven't even had a boyfriend in four years. Would it kill her to be alone for a bit?

You know what? We're going to keep it simple and call it a Bachelorette Party. I'll have the banner say, "Happy Bachelorette Party, Jen!"

I'll order two banners. I have a feeling we'll need another one next year.