Q: What do you call a get together for the bride to be for the second marriage?

A: We're still deciding. We're having a banner made for Jen' party and we don't know what it should say.

"Happy Bachelorette Party!" seems a little trite.

"Happy Bachelorette Party 2.0, This Time It's Forever!" might sound like we're mocking her.

Trudy suggested we call it a  "Celebration of Love / Self Defense Seminar," but we really want to avoid any mention of her previous marriage. But, we will give her some coupons for self-defense classes, just in case. Her new fiance seems like a nice guy, but you can never can be too careful. Jen does have a certain type.

I like "Half Of All Marriage End In Divorce - Statistically Speaking, This One is Bound to Succeed!" but I was overruled. People don't like to mix math with their parties.

"Happy Weekend Obligation to Support Our Insecure Friend!" really hits the nail on the head, but I worry it might really upset Jen, due to her painful insecurities. She's pretty needy. I mean, she just met this guy three months ago and they're already getting married. She's been divorced less than a year. I haven't even had a boyfriend in four years. Would it kill her to be alone for a bit?

You know what? We're going to keep it simple and call it a Bachelorette Party. I'll have the banner say, "Happy Bachelorette Party, Jen!"

I'll order two banners. I have a feeling we'll need another one next year.

Q: What is a collapse plot?

A: I guess the jig is up. I might as well come clean.

A collapse plot, rather, my collapse plot was plan, eight months in the making, to kill you and take your money. It was a pretty ingenious plan. I'm not just saying that because it was my plan, I'm basing my assessment solely on the plan itself. Specifically on it's ingenious nature.

First I'd bump into you at the supermarket, then I'd befriend you, gain your confidence, insinuate myself into every nook of your life, create conflict between you and your loved ones, slowly strip away all stability in your life, until I was your only friend and you had no choice but to name me as your sole heir, I lure you into the woods, where you would "accidentally" stumble into a pit full of sharp sticks, old bear traps broken glass, allowing me to collect my inheritance.

As you are now aware, my plan did not go as smoothly as I hoped. Perhaps my excitement got the better of me. Perhaps I shouldn't have marked the pit with a large, neon X. Perhaps I shouldn't have shouted "THE COLLAPSE PLOT CONCLUDES!" as you approached the pit. Perhaps my diabolical laugh was a mistake.  Perhaps I shouldn't have hired that marching band, and those cheerleaders, and had all those balloons drop from the trees. I realize now that I may have alerted you a little too soon.

Judging from the look on your face and the gun in your hand, I'm assuming there will be some changes in your will. I understand. But, if I may make one request: Before you shoot me, please help me clean up these balloons. All that latex is bad for the environment. Plus, I rented them from a party store and I'd really like to get my deposit back.

Q: What are the dimensions of a hay bale?

A: Hay bales exist in the first, second and third dimension, exclusively. Hay bales cannot travel through time.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know that your brother's death in that flood still haunts you, but you have to face reality: You can't save him by sending bales of hale back through time.

You'll have to think of something else, maybe a personal time machine, maybe a letter that can travel through time, maybe an enchanted Etch-A-Sketch that lets you draw the world as you want it.

I don't care what it is, as long as it keeps you occupied and out of the house. All that mourning your dead brother crap is really killing my buzz.

Q: Why does the rear glass stay dry when driving fast in the rain?

A: There is no rear glass. The cops shot out the window five minutes ago. That's why I screamed. That's why I told you to speed up. That's why Murray made that "Argh!" sound. That's why he grabbed his neck. That's why he started bleeding all over the car.

Don't you remember any of this? It just happened. Have you been paying attention at all?

I don't mean to be a dick, but is this your first day as a getaway driver?

I thought so.

Where did we find you?

I had no idea Craigslist had a section for Criminal Services. That seems like a bad idea.

Well, okay then. Here's a little crash course in getaway driving: Focus on the road, not the radio. Go as fast as you can. Don't worry about speeding, or red lights, or tailgating - moving violations are the least of your troubles. Try weaving a bit, but not too much. And, please, for the love of God, stop using your turn signals.

Q: How much weight can you lose in a week?

A: Ever since I reached adulthood and stopped growing vertically; I have grown horizontally - then shrunk, then grown again, then shrunk, shrunk more, grown again, and again, still more growing, then a large dramatic shrink ... I could go on like this for hours; let's just say that I have experienced significant fluctuations in weight over the past 20 years.

With a strict diet and vigorous exercise, I once lost 20 pounds in a week. To celebrate, I ate a whole pizza while bathing in caramel. To my surprise, the weight came back.

One time I lost 6 pounds in a day, simply by removing my soiled pants. Here's a hint: If you take a girl home from a bar with the intent of performing the sex act with her, don't tell her that story. She will not be impressed. Showing her the pants will only amplify her horror.

A few years back, I lost 38 pounds in three minutes, without diet, exercise or removing any clothes, when a shark bit my leg off. As a result of the attack, the Boston Aquarium now bans visitors from chumming the water. At least some good came of the attack, in addition to the weight loss.