Q: What do you do if a girl asks you to the dance and is serious about it?

A: It depends on why she asked you: Because she's interested in you romantically, or because she's planning on dumping pig's blood on your head once you are ironically named Prom King?

You should also take into consideration whether or not you were sitting behind a table when she asked you. If you were, she might not know that you are confined to a wheelchair. If you weren't behind the desk, she might have been mocking you. Did she snicker when she asked you, then claim to be thinking about something funny? Sometimes they do that.

No?

So she knows you were in a wheelchair, she wasn't mocking you, and she wants to go to the dance with you?

This girl doesn't happen to wear dark glasses and carry a cane does she?

No?

Wow.

Son, I suggest you marry this girl. You might never get another chance like this. At the very least go to the dance with her. You'll have fun. And I need you out of the house on Friday anyway. I'm having a few of my ... friends over and you creep them out. And when they're creeped out, they don't tip. And Mommy has boob payments.

Q: Can chocolate kill dachshunds?

A:  Probably. If he set his mind to it, and he had a reason, he could kill pretty much anything.

Should he do it? Probably not. After all, he's new to this country, and immigration tends to keep a close eye on mail-order African husbands.

By the way, you might want to give him a less offensive name before you introduce him to people.

Q: What are 5 facts about Robin Hood?

A: 1.) Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, making the poor rich and the rich poor, forcing him to steal from the newly rich, who were once poor, and give to the newly poor, who had been rich until he stole their wealth. Now, the rich were once again rich and the poor once again poor. And the cycle continued.
     2.) Robin Hood spoke with a flat Midwestern accent, which Kevin Costner captured perfectly in the film Tin Cup. To this day, no one can explain his accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. 
     3.) Robin Hood was the finest archer of his day. He once hit a target 6 feet wide from a distance of 10 feet, to the amazement of his assembled Merry Men, archery standards being much lower at the time.
     4.) In his late 20's Robin Hood fled civilization to live in Himalayas and study the teachings of the Great Buddha. A fox he found in the woods assumed his identity during his departure. No one ever knew the difference, least of all Maid Marion.
    5.) Robin Hood was the first man to swing into combat on a rope hanging from a chandelier, and the first man to die by swinging into combat on a rope hanging from a chandelier.

Q: What is the talents of a blue whale?

A: Well, they can swim. That's one. And hold their breath a long time. A real long time. Longer than you expect. They're excellent learners. If you catch them young enough, you can train them to do tricks: jumping out of the water, standing on their tail, carrying people on their back, towing ships full of cocaine in the middle of the night to avoid the watchful eye of the DEA.

But their most impressive talent is their ability to remember. They remember everything. Everything. Every slight, every sarcastic crack, every time you whipped them for getting spooked and dumping three tons of Columbia raw, every time you tried to kill them with explosive krill.

They're also very good at revenge. Right up there with memory. 1 and 1A. Memory 1, revenge 1A. They're kind of tied together, from my experience. That's why I have this peg leg. And this other peg leg. And this peg spine.

Q: Did Blue Valentine win any Oscars?

A: No. But it did win 12 Ernies. That's a record.

While not as prestigious as the Oscars, the Ernies are still a pretty big deal, especially in the Midwest. Specifically, in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area of the Midwest. Specifically in the area in Milwaukee where I live. Specifically in my apartment.

I created the Ernies to honor the best films of the year. I named them after Bert's friend. That's why they look like rubber ducks. Ernie loved rubber ducks. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford enough rubber ducks for the ceremony, so I had to improvise. Most of the Ernies are carved out of soap.

I showered a lot last week, and ran out of soap. I had to use a of the Ernies to take care of business. As a result, they've lost some of their duck-like appearance. But Blue Valentine deserves every Ernie it won, every lumpy, cracked, dirty, hairy one.

Blue Valentine won Ernies for Best Picture, Best Actor (Ryan Gosling), Best Actress (Michelle Williams), Best Director (Derek Cianfrance), Best Movie to Watch on a First Date, Best Movie to Watch on a Second Date, Best Movie to Watch the First Time You Have Sex, Best Movie to Watch While Tearfully Apologizing for Premature Ejaculation, Best Movie to Watch While You Fight With Your Girlfriend, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Throws Your Homemade Awards out the Window and Storms Out the Door, and Best Movie to Watch While Crying Alone.

It won every major award, with the exception of Best Movie to Watch While Angrily Masturbating to Pictures Of Your Sleeping Ex-Girlfriend. For the eighth straight year, that Ernie went to RoboCop.