Q: Where does the most people die in floods?

A: Most people die under the water, by drowning or being crushed by debris.

You are not most people. Somehow you found a way to die over the water. In a tree. Of joy.

In all my years guarding the gates of Heaven, I've never heard of someone dying of joy during a flood that killed hundreds of people. What made you so happy?

Oh.

I see.

On second thought, Heaven might not be the best fit for you. Here's some information on Hell. Now, you don't have a reservation down there, but you shouldn't have a problem getting in. Just tell them the same story you told me about watching all those children drown. You might want to tell it with a little less glee, just to be safe.

Q: How do you grow island?

A: I started with a simple dream: to own my own island.

After preliminary research, I discovered that private islands are the exclusive providence of the very rich.I am not very rich. Nor even regular rich. Nor even poor. I have held one job in my life, at Burger King. My employment lasted three weeks and I was fired for stealing paper crowns.

I had to devise a new plan. I decided to build my own island. As I am not an engineer, nor a God, I did not know the first thing about building an island.

I assumed all I would need nothing more than a lot of sand and a lot of time. The time I had. I could get the sand. it's literally everywhere. I assumed I would have my own private island in no time, perhaps a few years, no more than four.

I assumed wrong. Turns out islands don't float.

On the bright side, I own the world's largest supply of salty mud. For the next twenty minutes.

Q: What types of waves are found in electromagnetic spectrum?

A: As of today, giant ocean waves caused by a tsunami.

I told you we shouldn't build our giant spectrometer on the beach. People usually build these sorts of things in labs. Giant labs, far from the sea. But you never listen. And I've just about had it.

Please stop claiming to be the lost Prince of Atlantis. No one believes you any more. I was the last person. Everyone told me that you were a phony, that you couldn't control the seas, that you couldn't communicate with fish, that you couldn't breathe underwater, that Atlantis does not exist and that, if I stayed with you, I would end up, alone, broken hearted, surrounded by water-damaged scientific equipment. Turns out, they were right. I should have listened.

In retrospect, your claims to be the Prince of Atlantis were ludicrous. You're allergic to shellfish. You don't understand even the simplest nautical terms. You can't swim. I have no idea why I ever believed you. Love will do strange things to a man.

I have to leave you now. Farewell, fake prince. Never call me again.

By the way, since no one buys your act anymore, you can put on pants now. And take those little wings off your ankles. They're clearly pigeon wings that you glued to your skin. They're falling off, and decomposing. And they never really made any sense.

Q: What is the link between salsa sauce and salsa dance?

A: Salsa, whether in dip or dance form, adds an element of danger, sophistication and intrigue to any party. There's not a social situation in the world that can't be spiced up with a little salsa.

Again, the dance or the dip.

Unless your mother is involved. That always makes it disappointing.

Especially the dance.

Especially at your senior prom.

Q: How do you heal a Ripped off nail?

A: Keep the wound clean, change the bandage three times a day, avoid working with your hand for a few weeks. If you follow those simple steps, your nail will be back to normal before you know it.

But, when it comes to nail care, the best treatment is prevention. In the future, when you turn into a werewolf, you might consider staying at home to enjoy a quiet night by yourself, instead of running into town, terrorizing villagers, mauling everyone you see with your razor sharp claws. The villagers have are aware of your transformation cycle. They've been paying attention. They can know when the moon will be full, giving them ample lead time to construct replica villagers made out of stone. Those stone villagers can be murder on your nails.