Q: What is the best song by death?

A: Honestly, I'm not a big fan of his music. 

All his songs sound the same and they're so self-indulgent and full of self-pity. "Oh, poor me, I have to kill people all day. Some of them are young and beautiful. It's so hard being the Angel of Death." 

Wah, wah, wah. Cry me the River Styx. 

At least people know who he is. At least he does something that matters. At least he has some impact.

You think it's hard being the Angel of Death? Trying being the Angel of Apathy. 

You didn't even know there was an Angel of Apathy did you?

Now that you know I exist, how do you feel?

Figures. 

Q: Are federal court judges appointed by the President?

A: Judges are nominated by the President, but they must be confirmed by Congress.

Congress will only confirm judges who complete our new, Super-Sloppy Obstacle Course.

First, you'll have to go through In One Ear and Out the Other. What you'll have to do is get through all that ear wax. It's fairly disgusting, but you'll get through fairly easily. Grab that flag, and then you're on to Thar She Blows. Now, you must hit the right valve. There are six of them. I don't know which one is the right one, but once you find it, the flag will come shooting out of here, then you can go over to Pickin'. Now a lot of judges try to reach up and find the flag, but that's not as good. You're here to get messed up anyway, so you might as well crawl underneath and look up the nostril. You'll probably be able to see the flag and pull it right out.

Now, if you haven't suffered a fatal heart attack from all the excitement, head on over to Down the Hatch. This one's fairly simple, you lift up the gums and the teeth and down you go, through the digestive tract. We created this obstacle in honor of the late Senator Kennedy. Stand up grab that flag, run to the finish line, and if you can do it all in less than 60 seconds, you will be the next Federal Judge.

One more thing. We added a new twist this year. All the family members of the innocent men you wrongly sent to the chair will be allowed to throw glass bottles at your head. Better watch out, because that glass is sharp, it will cut you, and these people have excellent aim. They have been practicing for weeks.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

Q: What is the title of the movie based on Jeffery Dahmer?

A: I'm still working on the title. I'm thinking of either "You Look Delicious" or "Fridgeful of Collars." I've got most of the script written and I've already filmed a number of scenes.

I, of course, play Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I am incredible. Production has kind of stalled. I'm still looking for the right person to play victim number 3.

You know what? The way that light hits you ... Has anyone ever told you that you resemble James Doxtator?

Wow, it's uncanny. Look, this may be a bit forward, but would you be interested in coming back to my place and being in a movie. All you need to do is get high, let me strangle you and then melt your flesh with acid.

Why would anyone think you are gay?

Oh, this has nothing to do with the Jeffrey Dahmer movie. This would be for a side project of mine.

Now drink up!

Q: What is the average weight of a gray tabby?

A: Gray tabbies generally weigh somewhere between 9 and 14 pounds. Sometimes, when owned by the very lonely, who feed them a diet consisting exclusively of french fries, they get grow to be as big as 22 pounds.

A gray tabby should never weigh more than 22 pounds. Your cat weighs 37.

I am not solely concerned by your cat's weight, but also by her distended belly. It looks as if she has swallowed something large, bulky and solid.

Additionally, she seems to be making a ticking sound. In my medical opinion, that simply cannot be good.

The WikiFakeAnswers Super Bowl Fake Answer Spectacular~!

Q: How many words can you make out of Super Bowl? 

A: I can make the following words:

Super.

Bowl.

I can also make the following phrase:

Superb Owl.

I didn't become a Scrabble Grand Champion simply because I had compromising photos of all the judges.

Although that did help.

Q: Can I have some information on the blitz please?

A: When unexpected players rush the passer, we call it a blitz.  A cornerback could blitz. Or a safety. Or a linebacker.

A blitz could come from anywhere, at any time. That's why you always have to be ready to block. If you don't pick up the blitz, that is, block the unexpected pass rusher, our quarterback will be tackled and possibly injured. We don't want that to happen.

Like I said, any player could blitz at any time. They don't have to announce themselves. They don't have to raise their hands before the play. They don't have to shout "blitz!"

They don't have to count any Mississippi's.

This is the NFL. No one has to count Mississippi's in the NFL.

I don't think this "Let Your Daughter Play Fullback" promotion will be as successful as management hopes.

Q: Which team holds the record for most penalties during a Super Bowl game?

A: I don't know who currently holds the record. I'm not a historian. I'm a football coach. But I know who will hold the record at the end of this game:

You.

All of you. The men in this room. You men are destined for the record books.

I know some you might now that we're already in the record books, for giving up the most points in a quarter and the most points in a half. For being the first team in Super Bowl history to trail by 72 points at halftime.

But we still have another half to play. The game's not over yet.

Now some of you might expect me to give the speech of a lifetime and yell and cajole and inspire and make you guys believe that we can come back and win this game.

I'm not going to do that. I have too much respect for you men. I'm not going to insult your intelligence.

We're not going to win this game.

We are simply not good enough. We were lucky to get this far.

Three months ago I hypnotized you men and made you believe that you were the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers. For three months you played like the 1975 Steelers and won game after game, all the way to the Super Bowl.

Well it seems that the hypnosis has worn off at the worst possible time. It must have happened last night, while you slept.

Let that be a lesson to all of you: Never trust a gypsy.

You men now realize that you are not the Pittsburgh Steelers. You are a collection of cast-offs and misfits and has-beens and never-were's.

There's no way you're winning this game.

But we can still make our mark on this game. We can drag this game out and get as much TV time as possible. It's our last chance to be famous.

So I want you to go out there and hold. I want you to go out there and delay the game. Interfere with passes. Hit late. Conduct yourselves in an unsportsmanlike manner. Celebrate excessively after every touchdown you give up. And don't forget to clip. Clip like your life depended on it.

I want to see yellow flags flying on every play.

This is our chance to go down in history.

Let's make it happen.

Q: How do you keep someone from intercepting your text messages? 

A: No one "intercepted" that picture of your genitals.

You sent it to everyone on the team.

Under the heading "Urgent! Package Delivery! "

You don't remember any of this?

I think it's about time you checked into rehab.

You should probably see a doctor first.

Your penis shouldn't be that shape. Or those colors.

Q: Do high school players have earphones in their helmets?

A: Coach, we are a small, regional high school in rural New England.

This isn't the NFL.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore because you developed a gambling problem, lost everything you had, got in deep with the bookies, and had only one option: Throwing the Super Bowl.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore because you threw the Super Bowl. You benched all your starters, citing fictional breaches of team rules. You repeatedly punted on second down. You let a 63-year old season ticket holder play quarterback. Your plan to throw the game was incredibly transparent. You became the first coach to be fired at halftime of the Super Bowl.

You remember all this, right? Of course you do.

When you got fired, when you got tossed out of the NFL in disgrace, and you couldn't get a job in the NFL, or the NCAA, or the WLAF, or the CFL, or the Arena Football League, or even the Lingerie Football League, who hired you? Your old high school.  We gave you a chance when no one else would.

Would you like to know why we gave you that chance?

We had one simple motive: revenge.

We lost a lot of money on that Super Bowl, coach. The whole town. Everyone took whatever the could out of the bank, whatever they had buried in the back yard, whatever they found in the sofa, and they all put in one big pile. We bet all of it on the Super Bowl. We bet it all on you, our favorite son, the man who would never let us down. We had big plans for that money. We were going to build a knew old folks home, for the old folks. One with heat and showers and walls.

You can imagine how upset we were when you threw the game.

We've never had a wireless communication system hooked up to the player's helmets. You can't talk to anyone on your headset. It's not even plugged in. None of the players run any of the plays you call. None of the coaches do anything you say. We figured you'd notice, get mad and storm off and we'd all have a good laugh at your expense. And maybe we'd feel a little better about all that money we lost. Maybe we'd feel a little better about not having a new old folks home.

We figured you'd notice no one can hear you by now. We figured you'd notice by now. We figured you'd notice by the 6th game of the season.

But you didn't. You kept barking commands into your headset and calling plays that don't exist. It never seemed to bother you that no one ever listened to you. It never seemed to bother you that nothing you ever asked for ever happened. You didn't even seem to notice that anything was wrong.

So, to answer your question, no, the players don't have earphones in their helmets. They never have and they never will.

Now, I have a question of my own. What, exactly, does an NFL head coach do?

Q: What is a holding penalty in football? 

A: It's a punishment for illegally impeding the progress of a defensive player.

It has nothing to do with the warm embraces I give out on the sideline.

There's no penalty for public displays of affection. Nor is there anything wrong with it.

Come here and I'll show you.

Your skin is so soft.

I'm never letting go.