Q: How do you deal with staff who display a lack of commitment?

A: Years ago, I faced a similar problem. My staff lacked commitment, numbers took a dive, my business stood on the verge of extinction.  I came up with a plan, a motivational tool: a sales contest. A one month long sales contest.

First prize would be a Cadilac El Dorado. Second prize, a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

The contest proved to be a spectacular failure. It motivated no one. In fact, most of them turned against me. There was a robbery, prosecution, convictions- I don't want to bore you with all the details, but it was all rather messy.

I learned a valuable lesson holding that sales conest: Never hold a sales contest.

Now, I get my employees to commit a simpler way: with the direct threat of violence. I carry a gun and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a very good shot. You'd be amazed how much a simple grazing will motivate an employee. I have never had a more committed  staff. They show up early. They leave late. They surpass their quotas month after month. They are simply amazing.

I sure hope this recession lasts forever. I don't know what I'd do if they thought they could quit. I'd probably have to shoot one or two in the leg, to discourage them from leaving. I hope it never comes to that. People tend to scream when shot in the leg. I like to run a quiet office, so my staff can hear me cock the hammer.