Q: How much federal money do Indiana schools get for each special needs student?

A: We get anywhere from $500 to $12,000 per year per student, depending on how "special" each student is considered to be. Unfortunately, most of our students are not "special" enough to receive any funding, resulting in our current budget crisis.

Basically, our students are just too damn smart.

I hope you understand why I had to drug them.

Luckily, they're very trusting.

Look at them, sitting there, so peaceful, eyes glazed over, drool dripping from their chin. With that many sedatives in their system, these leaders of tomorrow couldn't even spell their names, let alone ace a standardized test. We'll be a shoo in for that federal money now!

Quick, pass out these helmets and mouth guards, the people from the Department of Education are here.