Q: How can your investment strategy change as you near retirement?

A: When I was younger, my strategy was "Don't invest. Investing is for suckers. I'm not going to live past 40 anyway."  I spent all my money on booze and women and drugs. I just wasted the rest of it.

I drank everything I could, smoked everything I could, snorted everything I could. I slept with anyone, man, woman, young, old, hot, plain, I didn't care. I slept with anything, sex-dolls, goats, fish, computers, vacuum cleaners. I didn't care. I wanted to do it all. I figured I'd experience everything life had to offer or die trying.

Well, I've pretty much done it all. And I'm not dead. Thanks to advances in modern medicine, I have a new liver, heart, spleen, lungs, kidneys and stomach. They took the stomach from a cow. It's a freaking miracle.

I shouldn't be alive right now. Seriously, I shouldn't. I haven't saved any money. I don't know how I am going to pay for all this. I didn't think things through.

So these days I have a new investment strategy. I plan to get a job as a security guard at a big corporation, slip and fall down some stairs, and collect a huge settlement. I have a big interview today. Wish me luck.

Excuse me?

What?

Seriously?

This is the interview?  I'm having it right now?

What time is it?

Where did the day go?

What did I do all day?

How did I get here?

I probably shouldn't have told you about that settlement plan. That seems like a mistake.

Boy, untreated syphilis really does a number on the old noggin.